So You Want To Be A Death Eater?
by x Veela x
Summary: Voldemort writes a little leaflet introducing you to the world of Death Eating: All you want to know and more read and review please ON HOLD x x x
1. The Introduction

**Disclaimer: Yes Tom Felton is hot, I know, but sadly I don't own him, Draco or any others of the Harry Potter world, but seriously, who would WANT to, I mean it's not as if anyone LIKES Harry Potter ANYWAY…**

**So You Want To Be A Death Eater?**

_Chapter 1 – The Introduction_

So you want to be a Death Eater?

I'll have to warn you now,

The job is very dangerous.

To join you have to know how

- To kill

- To control

-To torture – with merciless pain

-To abide by the Dark Lords rules,

You won't get told again.

Down this path you only get one chance

You make it or you break it.

The Dark Lord won't tolerate a lie or farce

Unless it's to another

On the other side of this war,

But not to a fellow brother.

An anonymous person kindly dedicated this statement to me, but of course, even if I knew who it was, I wouldn't reveal it to everybody else because that would be praising somebody without them having murdered someone first and we all know in higher society circles like these, that's just not done.

However, throughout this little handout I've painstakingly compiled together, if anyone else feels that they would like to contribute, please feel free to email me at and you may/may not get a response depending on how high my mudblood extermination levels are at that particular moment.

**Go on, you know you want to review xXx**


	2. Precautionary Forms

**Disclaimer: In a rare moment of honesty with myself, I admit to myself, privately, that I am not the creator of this captivating series.**

**So You Want To Be A Death Eater?**

_Chapter 2 – Precautionary Forms_

It appears I have received some questions from my supporters…

But first I would like to welcome you to the Dark Side. In order to continue reading this leaflet you must fill out the following form. If you don't you may expect unbearable torture and pain by some of my more intelligent followers until you comply.

I shall fill in my answers as an ideal guideline as to what you should put, not that there's any set answers or anything like that as that would be cheating and as we all know, I don't cheat.

**Name:** The Dark Lord

**Age:** Immortal

**Talents:** manipulation, killing, torturing, generally making a scene when things don't go my way etc.

**Hobbies**: manipulation, killing, torturing, planning murder, plotting the demise of DUMBledore, Harry Potter and general mudblood riffraff, making snide comments about said riffraff etc.

**Job interviews:** My last interview with myself was for ruler of the universe. I'm happy to say I got the job and am recruiting for my obviously superior side.

**Marital status:** Officially single, but notice the word officially – not that I have commitment issues, you understand, but with all the taking over the world, I don't have much time left…

**Other languages spoken:** Parseltongue

_As to the questions:_

No, I don't need a deputy; does it look like I'm struggling on my own? No, I didn't think so.

The Dark Mark burning ceremony will be completed in the next chapter when I have all the information so I have a record for myself who is a Death Eater, but I can keep everyone else in the dark as usual.

No, this leaflet is not destructible; if the Ministry find it it's your fault.

If anyone else has any other questions or would like to know more information about this leaflet, don't bother asking me. That is what my secretary is for – her name is…erm…well, I call her blondie – she's blonde, you see, nothing to do with the intelligence level of course.

**Don't get offended by the "dumb blonde stereotype", its not aimed at you, and I myself am blonde (yes they do have more fun).**

**Reviews would be appreciated xXx**


	3. Hymn Practice

**Disclaimer: In a rare moment of honesty with myself, I admit to myself, privately, that I am not the creator of this captivating series.**

**(That will be amusing if you know who the Princess Ce'Nedra is, who you will know if you have read _The Belgariad _or the moment that I'm thinking of might be in _The Mallorean,_ both by David Eddings)**

**_Authoress' note:_ The hymn is to be sung to the tune of _All Things Bright and Beautiful._**

**So You Want To Be A Death Eater?**

_Chapter 3 – Hymn Practice_

Your forms have been accepted and checked through; it turns out that you weren't lying about being purebloods – what a relief! That means that I will not have to take precious time out of my Hectic Busy Schedule and hunt you down to relieve you of your burdensome lives.

"Hectic Busy Schedule?" You ask.

"Hectic Busy Schedule." I repeat with a gracious, majestic nod. I see you looking confused; I shall explain further.

I got up at eight thirty this morning! That blasted sun. I thought in the beginning when choosing furnishings if I were to have the _vermilion_ four poster bed drapes rather than the _forest green_, but did I listen to myself? No, I didn't; I listened to the witch. The green does look rather evil though…. I even considered the _midnight black_ but I eventually decided it would look tacky. So, after my awakening by Mother Nature (not even with a cup of coffee might I add) I had to shower, dress and whatnot in half an hour in order to be at the salon at nine. It was such an emergency – my cuticles were in a frightful state!

All right, own up, who coughed… Oh, quite right, back to the death eating… that reminds me, I need to order a takeaway for – ah, yes. Please observe the attached invitation (note the swirly writing)

**Dear** _(insert name here)_

The Dark Lord cordially invites you to your collective welcoming ceremony!

**Time:** 21:15 precisely

**Date:** Next Saturday

**Place:** The Graveyard (see enclosed map for details)

**What to bring:** Note the _Items To Bring _list below. The point of this section is to inform you that each Death-Eater-to-be must have his/her own full set of items.

Much disrespect and evil,

_The Dark Lord_

Items to bring

one wand.

two boots (black leather) – one right foot and one left foot **OR** two left feet.

Face measurements (your mask needs to be fitted so no stray curses manage to sneak around it.

Head measurements (hats come in five different sizes – extra small, small, medium, large and extra large.

At the end of the ceremony there will be a hymn – _All Things Dark and Miserable. _You are all to know it off by heart and anyone caught not singing shall be tortured, or possibly murdered if necessary. Here it is:

All Things Dark and Miserable

_All things dark and miserable,_

_All creatures baited and mauled,_

_All things d'spised and powerful,_

_The Dark Lord made them all._

Each choking weed that wilted,

Each raven's claw that stings,

He made their darkest colours,

The horrors that they bring.

_All things dark and miserable,_

_All creatures baited and mauled,_

_All things d'spised and powerful,_

_The Dark Lord made them all._

The freezing snow-capped mountains,

The ice chips skating by,

The storm clouds cov'ring moonlight,

That darken down the sky.

_All things dark and miserable,_

_All creatures baited and mauled,_

_All things d'spised and powerful,_

_The Dark Lord made them all._

Remember, standards must be met and first impressions count. Until Saturday, then!

**Reviews would be appreciated x x x**

**x Imperial Princess x**


	4. Spell Casting

Disclaimer: No, you're right – I don't own Harry Potter, so unfortunately I can't go writing around on statues that I've finished the book. Shame.

**So You Want To Be A Death Eater?**

_Chapter 4 – Spell Casting_

Well. Well! That was pretty abysmal, wasn't it?

My wrist, in fact, is throbbing from aiming Cruciatus Curses at you lot. –sigh– my talents is just _wasted _on all of you.

On the off chance that your wand waving may be a shade better than your singing (which, might I add was the most out of tune I've heard since the last hearing of Happy Birthday) I will attempt to teach you some spells.

First up, we will decide which one. Are we sitting comfortably? Alright, then I'll begin. First person to put their hand up…

"Malfoy! Oh well volunteered, the Imperius Curse, eh? Tricky, tricky… Now stand up and get yourself into twos – No Crabbe you may _not_ pair with Goyle, we'll be parcelling his remains to his mother in one of Nott's silken handkerchiefs.

"All right, now the incantation we shall be shouting is _Imperio_ and thinking about the action you wish to force your victim –cough– colleague to perform. Each pair shall have their turn, however only so I can see exactly who's having difficulties and… _assist…_ Of course, it's nothing to do with putting you all under pressure and sneering at you individually. No, no, of course not.

"McNair, on three. One, two – Well, I say, Malfoy. You do make a fetching ferret, don't you?"

_**I don't quite think it's as amusing as the others, but after having a 6 month case of writer's block, I feel that I'm getting back into it.**_

**_Your views would be much appreciated._**

**_x Imperial Princess x_**


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